Hurricane, Economic Depression & other survival tips

In other words, when you're broke, your friends are broke, and you might very well be without electricity and/or communications utilities for more than a week, much less fresh food, YOU CAN SURVIVE.

I know, 'cause I've done it. I've gone months without a phone, I've sold plasma & everything I own to keep the electricity turned on, and even that didn't last, and I've survived hurricanes all of my life. Granted, I wasn't there to survive Katrina, so I don't know what it's like to survive the WORST hurricanes, but I've gathered a few useful tips here and there that might help, if you find yourself homeless, without utilities, without income, without fresh food, living on ancient canned goods and questionable perishables.

First of all, all expiration dates are not created equal. I can make a loaf of bread (white or wheat or multigrain) last over a month in the fridge. Bagels can be saved INDEFINITELY in the freezer and for at least four weeks in the fridge. Milk is a task that you take unto yourself. First you sniff it, then taste a small bit, so that you won't barf. But yes, even milk lasts longer than they tell you it does, unless you've got a terribly disreputable grocer. And yes, you do tend to get your money's worth (or food stamps' worth) more often on American-made/canned/processed food, although I am no fan or friend of Con-Agra or Monsanto. True, I do patronize those bloody French Nestle' bastids in the Lean Cuisine aisle, who ONLY USE SEAFOOD FROM THE UBER-POLLUTED SOUTH CHINA SEA, but only when absolutely necessary. And there are canned goods that can be eaten cold. You won't like them, but you can get used to anything. I recommend starting on the canned fruit, then working your way out from there. Processed, gloppy pastas like ravioli, spaghetti-o's, etc. well, they're NOT recommended cold, but they are already cooked, so you won't get food poisoning from eating them without heating them.

If you ARE in a hurricane or other natural/man-made disaster, and YOUR neighborhood is last on the list to have power restored (i.e., YOU DON'T LIVE IN THE COUNTRY CLUB OF LOUISIANA), here are some things that you should hoard, should the National Guard be activated and sent to your area with MREs. Those chemical heat packs? INVALUABLE!!! Not only are they good for the MRE meals (only 1/3 of which are actually palatable/edible, sadly), but you can use them with canned meals/veggies/oatmeal/etc. Instant Oatmeal is one of your best staples, as they last damned near forever, long as you don't get weevils. And all you need is a little bit of hot water, some margarine (another "perishable" that can survive a week or more in an unpowered fridge) and sugar (I like cinnamon & nutmeg, m'self). And you can eat it for 3 meals a day, if you have to. Granola bars are a great item to stock-up on, as you'll get calcium, fiber, some protein, and energy-producing carbs (as long as you're active enough to keep those carbs from becoming sugar; if you're a sloth like me, take cinnamon capsules every day, as THEY do the metabolizing work FOR YOU.) --- also, rolled oats/granola/nuts are VERY filling and can help you stretch your food supply longer than you'd think. Laugh now, but STOCK UP ON NUTS WHILE YOU'RE LAUGHING. Fresh, roasted, glazed, whatever floats your boat (raw/fresh & roasted last the longest & attract the fewest ants), GET YOUR NUTS NOW. Pecans, walnuts, whatever's cheapest/the best value in your area. NUTS CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE. Make all your testicle jokes now, chirren. Ranty Aunty Annti will be over here, checking her supply of dried fruit.

If you're lucky enough to have a food bank within reach and to qualify for it, as inferior to Jif as it is, HANG ONTO THAT GENERIC PEANUT BUTTER. When the shit hits the fan, or a blizzard hits your neighborhood, you'll be glad for that protein, and it won't make you fart as much as living on tofu and beans to keep from losing muscle mass. Speaking of blizzards --- those chemical heaters that come with the MREs? AWESOME for warming up the foot of the bed if you've lost your heat, but YOU HAVE TO WATCH THEM THE ENTIRE TIME. They DO get hot enough to set fire to the bedclothes, especially if you have any synthetic fabrics on the bed. EVERYTHING can be reused, so don't be so quick to throw away ANYTHING. I'm not saying that we should hoard EVERYTHING like my great-aunt Thelma and other children of the First Depression, but don't waste things that you CAN re-use, like plastic packaging, aluminum foil, waterproof MRE matches, those little salt packets (I hate black pepper, but I've always got cayenne close by, so no worries there), and as many cheap/generic/Dollar Tree candles as you can afford. I've got pictures that I'll post at another time, because I still haven't edited the gigantic bastards down to a usable size, of what I've gotten to prepare for this hurricane season. After what Gustav did to me, and what I did to myself because of Gustav, I won't EVER be caught short again.

Most importantly, ICE CHEST. Keep one handy. Rubbermaid or cheaper knock-off storage containers that you can fit into your freezer can turn your freezer (I have one of those old-timey up-top freezers, which means I have to get on my fucking KNEES to get anything out of the fucking fridge!) INTO AN EXTRA ICE CHEST, as long as you keep an eye on the melting/overflowing water (no point in killing the freezer ITSELF) -to-ice ratio. I lost over $100 worth of meat, fish, and chicken during Gustav, having saved it as long as I could in the ice chests, and do you think that FEMA gave me A DIME for that or the microwave THAT ENTERGY AND DEMCO BLEW UP?!?!?! Fuck no. Their surges, as we went eight-plus days without electricity, destroyed the control panel of my 2-year-old microwave, so that now it only cooks on HIGH. NO RENTER WILL EVER GET A FUCKING ***DIME*** FROM FEMA, KNOW THAT NOW. If you're a HOMEOWNER, you MIGHT get SOME help, but if you have dozens of trees destroyed by hurricane-spawned tornadoes or just regular tornadoes, don't hold your breath on those little PRIVATIZED/SUBCONTRACTED FEMA PRICKS GIVING A FUCK ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOUR UTILITY BILL JUST DOUBLED BECAUSE YOU LOST ALL OF YOUR SHADE COVER. Make sure that your homeowner's insurance covers the loss of old trees that were there before you were, because you can't "replace" a hundred-year-old tree, but you can damned well RE-PLANT, if they don't fuck you the way that FEMA does.

So, if you're a renter like me, in a ghetto-assed white-trash ripoff joint that constantly STEALS from their own tenants AND the federal government (but the "district" USDA "official" DOESN'T ALLOW YOU TO FILE COMPLAINTS OR GET IN TOUCH WITH THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT WHATSOFUCKINGEVER, NOR DOES THE WEBSITE), be prepared to lose your ass on uncooked/frozen/fresh food. And no, that TWELVE PERCENT "boost" IN OUR MONTHLY FOOD STAMPS DID ***NOT*** FUCKING REPLACE WHAT I LOST, PIYUSH.

All you can do is cook your best stuff first (hope that you have a grill, 'cause the idea of a "communal grill" amongst your neighbors will just get your ass ripped-off), and then live on dry goods and canned goods and MREs until the electricity comes back. If you have friends or relatives with generators, take your best frozen/refrigerated food TO THEIR HOUSES FIRST. You'll THINK that you can save your own stuff, but you can't. As I said earlier, milk lasts longer than you think, as long as you only open the fridge WHEN YOU ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY HAVE TO OPEN IT. Most of your condiments will be a loss, except catsup/ketchup and Hershey's syrup. Kiss that homemade muscadine jelly goodbye.

So in the early weeks of hurricane or tornado or flood or blizzard or whatever season affects your area, cut back on the luxuries. Condiments, fresh veggies that need refrigeration, bruisable fresh fruit, expensive meat/fish/poultry, or anything else that you can't afford to replace right away. Stock-up on canned tomatoes, tomato sauce, soup, canned veggies & fruits, oatmeal, cereal & other ready-to-go dry goods, granola, energy bars, junk food (chocolate can be a lifesaver during the depression of a blackout), potato chips or other salty craving-killers, fruit bars, cookies, ANY AND EVERYTHING THAT DOESN'T REQUIRE COOKING, because even with those MRE heat-packs, YOU WON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO GET YOU THROUGH THREE HOT MEALS A DAY. So plan your meals. You can get three or four hours on one of those little six-packs of cheese-crackers with peanut butter. Don't overload on the sugar, it'll just make you more tired than you already are, from climbing those fucking stairs. Don't do what I did during Gustav, either, and just skip eating altogether, because you're out of pain meds & muscle relaxers and are in too much pain to eat. YOU NEED THE ENERGY, if only to defend your store of food from the other neanderthals.

Make sure that you get at least one serving of PROTEIN every day, whether it's meat, peanut butter, beans, tofu, whatever. You can stretch carbs and veggies a LONG damned way, and canned peaches make one helluva dessert when you need one. And in case nobody's figured this out yet, A HAND-CRANKED CAN OPENER oughta go without saying, but I've actually met people WHO NEVER USED A MANUAL CAN-OPENER IN THEIR LIVES, so you never know.

Flashlights, batteries, but most importantly, CANDLES, CANDLES, CANDLES. Not just to light your apartment, but also to help you get around the building because the idiots across the hall won't open their doors and HELP CREATE VENTILATION CROSS-FLOW. And your apartment will start to stink, no matter how many times a day you go through the ice chests and throw away what was just recently PERFECTLY GOOD FOOD. The lack of air flow will MAKE YOUR SHIT STINK. So get a couple of vanilla or otherwise-scented candles in with those dozens of UTILITY candles. I highly recommend Wally World and Dolllar Tree on that score. ALSO, the big camping brand-names will charge you an arm and a leg for battery-operated small lanterns (non-kerosene, 'CAUSE WHO WANTS TO DIE OF CARBON MONOXIDE POISONING FROM USING KEROSENE INDOORS?!?!??!), BUT --- and I hate to endorse the evil Arkies and their Chinese massahs --- Wally World sells these GREAT little LED lanterns that run on AA batteries FOR FIVE BUCKS. I sure as hell got ME one. AND it's magnetic on the bottom, so you can mount or hang it damned near anywhere. They're about six inches tall, and right on the periphery of the sporting-goods department, next to those expensive-assed Coleman lanterns, and put off JUST AS MUCH LIGHT as the overpriced brand names.

Another thing you will need, and if it hadn't been for Terrible, I'd never have had --- and this goes for THE WHOLE U. S. OF A. --- MOSQUITO NETTING. Seriously. Whether it's an unnatural flood in the Ohio River Valley, a hurricane or homelessness, GET YOUR ASS COVERED IN MOSQUITO NETTING. Not just enough to fit over YOUR body, but enough to fit OVER A DOUBLE-SIZED CANOPY BED. Trust Annti on this one. Next hurricane, THIS bitch will NEVER get malaria or West Nile. All thanks to Terrible and his buds at the Army-Navy surplus. I slept, for eight days, with my head hanging out of this third-floor window, just HOPING for a fucking BREEZE. What little sleep I *did* get, anyway. Why? 'Cause even though I'd propped my door open and secured my privacy with hanging fabric, NONE OF THE MORONS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HALL WOULD BE SO SMART OR SO GOOD AS TO OPEN A SINGLE ONE OF THEIR DOORS SO THAT ANYBODY ON THIS FLOOR COULD GET CROSS-VENTILATION.

Normally, I sleep with the a/c pumping @ 62 degrees F in order for me to lay down and BREATHE. Because of the sarcoidosis and almost 39 years on Cancer Alley, if I do lie back, much like the Elephant Man, I suffocate. My lungs fill up with fluid and I drown all fucking night long, hocking-up lung cookies and other attractive effluents. So, since my oft-fucked spine won't allow me to sleep propped-up like John Merrick, I have to freeze-out in order to breathe. Now, that in mind, imagine what 8 days of Louisiana HEAT, humidity, and HURRICANE was like, every mosquito-filled night. With none of my usual painkillers or muscle relaxers, eighty BILLION muscle spasms per minute, two REALLY discomfited and PISSED-OFF CATS, and, here's the topper --- NO FUCKING SLEEPING PILLS. And of course, my ever-so-considerate neighbors looked upon this blackout as an excuse to GET DRUNK AND STAY LOUD, 24 FUCKING SEVEN. The fact that I did *ANYTHING* for these cockbites is purely a product of frustration, injustice, rage at the laziness/racism/idiocy of the "powers-that-be" and the fat little polyester piggies that they hire to keep us po' folks FROM ROBBING THE RICH MOTHERFUCKERS LIKE ALL HELL. Oh, and severe drug withdrawal/levels of pain that BONE CANCER PATIENTS CAN'T BEAT. So I was, thankfully, quite literally, out of my fucking mind the entire time, and at times, blissfully out of my body.

ALLLLL of that bleating martyrdom to say this: I FUCKING HATE MOSQUITOES, BUT THEY FUCKING ***LOVE*** ME. I burned some generic little mosquito-coil bug-shoo-away thingies, but they didn't do shit. Y'know what DID help, as I hocked and rasped and wheezed through my 8 lovely nights here in L'Hotel des Fouquetards?

INCENSE.

I shit you not. Thanks to an old friend, Neal, who never DID get up the cajones to post @ MOB, but maybe one day... *sigh* --- anyway, Neal stocked me up with SOOOOO much fucking incense, in almost every flavor of the rainbow, especially my favorites (nag champa, cedar, sandalwood, and anything else wood/NATURAL floral-based, not that "black love" shit you get at the convenience stores, or the old-women-in-church-perfume-scented shit that Wally World calls "lavendar"), and it was the INCENSE that kept those bloodthirsty little fuckers OFF OF ME AND OUT OF MY WINDOWS. Yes, I did buy more and better (brand-name) mosquito coils for this year's hurricane kit, but more than anything else, I RELY UPON THE INCENSE. You *will* get sick of the smell of mosquito coils, and the incense does SO much to soothe the nerves. If Neal hadn't hooked me up with the best incense stash this side of a Cheech & Chong movie, I'da been SCREWWWWWED, mosquito-bite-wise.

Next post will, hopefully, be more organized, in terms of a shopping list, using stuff-for-other-purposes ideas, and how long shit REALLY lasts, as opposed to what retailers tell y'all. And pictures. In the meantime, I hope that some of this late-night blathering has been helpful to someone. Oh, and if you have phone power, even without hot water and electricity, HAVING FRIENDS WHO'LL LISTEN TO YOU BITCH ABOUT IT REALLY, REALLY FUCKING HELPS. If it hadn't been for CC McGoon, Tammy & Dan, and other non-MOB buds, I'DA LOST WHAT LITTLE I HAD LEFT OF MY FUCKIN' MIND. Yes, I read a LOT of books during Gustav, but one can only read SO MUCH for SO MANY hours of the day. So thank y'all all again, for all of that. Oh, and for those of y'all with cordless phones? During a hurricane or other disaster, YOU'LL BE FUCKED. Even cell phones aren't guaranteed, and how ya gonna charge 'em? GET A FUCKING LAND LINE THAT CAN'T BE EAVESDROPPED-UPON BY THE ROAMING PIGLETS WITH POLICE SCANNERS.

If anybody has any questions about any of these tips, or suggestions for more, please feel free to comment here or over at the M.O.B. link, k? Hang in there, it ain't over yet.

Most important two survival rules?

1. ALWAYS CARRY A MAG-LITE. Even if it's just a Mini-Mag (for which it is damned near IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND A REPLACEMENT BULB, I MIGHT ADD!!!), KEEP IT ON YOU AT ALL TIMES DURING ANY EMERGENCY SITUATION, I DON'T CARE *HOW* HEAVY THAT FUCKER IS. It's still easier than carrying a lantern and a baseball bat. But the longer/heavier the Mag-Lite, the more effective it is. Sure, lots of people make fairly decent flashlights, but only a Mag-Lite is a Mag-Lite. I also recommend Dollar-Tree booklights, if you can FIND the fucking things anymore, because those little LED fuckers are great for reading AND for traversing the hazardous, unlit stairwells of L'Hotel des Fouquetards. Last year's died, and I haven't found another one yet, but I've got my Mag-Lite. The book light can clamp onto anything, though, so you have a free hand to carry whatever else you gotta carry.

2. ALWAYS ALWAYS ***ALWAYS*** CARRY A TRUSTY BLADE. Even if someone "disappears" your trusty shock-proof folding hunting knife that was just on this side of the legal blade-length limit, with a serrated AND smooth blade (and I've torn this fucking apartment APART looking for that fucker, and IT AIN'T HERE, and I fucking LOVED that knife!!!) --- even if you lose your best blade to a kleptomaniac relative, KEEP **SOME** KIND OF BLADE ON YOU, AT ALL TIMES, NOT JUST DURING EMERGENCIES. Even if it's a 99-cent plastic-sheath/body "keychain" serrated knife from the survival/surplus store, KEEP THAT FUCKER ON YOU AT ALL TIMES. I'm not advocating the bullshit/schizophrenic "race war" idiocy that CERTAIN REDNECKS WHO DON'T NEED TO BE NAMED keep CLAIMING will happen as they stockpile ammo & canned goods (all 'cause Obama got elected, dontcha know), I'm just saying that PEOPLE GET STUPID. Regular times, bad times, emergency times, PEOPLE DO STUPID FUCKING SHIT. And it never helps to have a little self-defense on your side.. Any coward can fire a gun, and yeah, I've heard those stupid racist jokes about "I ain't no Mexican, I don't bring a knife to a gun fight!" all of my life, but I don't give a fuck. Any chickenshit can fire a gun from a safe distance. You gotta cut somebody, IT'S NECESSARY. And it's fucking PERSONAL. It's not something you do for shits and giggles, it's fucking SERIOUS if you've got to saw through human flesh.

So don't take this shit lightly, 'cause it's not. But whether you're cutting rope to string-up a tent under your local overpass when the shit REALLY hits the fan, or tying a tarp down onto the bed of your truck, or, worst-case-scenario, defending yourself, ALWAYS HAVE A BLADE ON YOU. Period. Check your state regulations, obviously, about blade length and the definition of "carrying concealed" (yes, it varies, state to state), but a blade is a TOOL, first and foremost, and a weapon ONLY AS A LAST RESORT.