Sunday, October 05, 2008
The friend that alienated you so, whose hand you held through at least two nervous breakdowns a week, probably didn't realize that you are afraid of confinement and meant nothing suggesting that "confinement is for you." She probably meant that she was concerned that sometimes, we are all a danger to ourselves. She didn't mean that being a ward of the state is the best thing we can do, but if it keeps us from hurting ourselves or others or getting a med check and getting straight on the drugs that may counteract each other or create a whole new drug when used together--it isn't bad to check in and have someone check on you while you sleep, feed you three times a day, let you walk around the grounds and generally keep you off the roof.
The friend probably loves you, is probably terrified at how close she can get to your nerves, probably seriously wishes she had driven to your home but could not because she is busy cutting down trees and trying to make an insurance adjuster come over to her house.
But the wear and tear of not knowing how to help someone who is suffering did indeed wear her ass out. Did indeed make her wonder what the fuck was she complaining about when her friend sounded seriously in trouble and keep insisting that her mind was made up, her best option was to embrace her problems because they certainly keep her shielded from the world--not that it is a bad thing, but this is the only rock we live on--and we are either going to adjust or find ourselves and reject conformity. Unfortunately, she also knows that you are wicked smart, could really take better care of yourself and if you aren't locked into thinking you're are shit then you are kidding yourself about confinement. You are confined.
There isn't anything you can't do if you want to--current medical situation or not. But please don't use your current medical situation as your excuse. Be damn clear that it isn't why you don't change your life. You don't have to be happy, you don't have to like people, or even get along with those who are not worth getting along with, but this feeling sorry for yourself because you think you are worthless, useless, damaged goods--and the rant about your shitty family is what that is all about. It isn't about crippling car wrecks and horrific abuse. It is about some sort of "See, I will show you. I will hurt myself by not living the way I want to live so I can prove that you are right, you do think that I am worthless and I can believe your evil reality." You could separate yourself from them rather than complain about how they hurt you. Only people that matter to you can hurt you. Get over that you don't matter or accept that you need them and are stuck with them because they provide you with a way of defining yourself.
You do good things for people and animals. I think you can make it pay. I think you can write and I think you can start a non-profit. And if that makes me a lost friend then so be it. (All right you smart asses, you knew it was me that pissed her off all along. But I don't have privileges to blog at the storage building of MOB.) But I am not going to be your partner in making you miserable because you don't want to be conventional. Don't be conventional, but do not let medical conditions and anything else limit you because you can do it medically disabled or not.
So you might lose the state's support. Isn't it helpful. You don't want to be a ward of the state but you are as long as you hurt yourself in the various ways you do. What might help you improve your health? What do your friends have to be for you? Supportive to the point of watching you waste your gift? All right I support you. But that also means telling you some things you don't want to hear. Like you may have some physical challenges but you can make amazing organizational, focused plans and frankly, I think you are afraid that you might not need to be where you are. You might need to be what you can be.
I was worried. You needed some help and I couldn't get in the car and get there and watch you. I wanted a pro to watch you. If you think that it is the Snake Pit then that is exactly what it is but there is no conspiracy to make you suffer. You are complicit in your suffering and I asked you to stop it or give into it. You don't want to go to a hospital because you don't need to be in one, not because you fear confinement. You like being stuck between where you are and what you could do because, "freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose." You won't give in but you won't give birth to what you are. So you are in labor, in pain, and are stillborn. So your family thinks you are shit. Why do they have to be right. We know they are wrong. So get free of them. You can get better insurance through your talent to run a non-profit. You can write grants. Get to writing. You can move people. Get moving. You can get grants through women's' organizations, you can get student loans, you can get a damn grant through Paul Newman's dog food products to open a shelter.
I was at a shelter today and I can assure you it was a cluster fuck.
I love you and I am going to keep loving you even if you delete the post, take me off your mailing list, and stop trying to communicate your anger to me. I can take your anger, I cannot take you crippling yourself.
Now, shut the hell up about me, and make up your mind that you are done living in mental pain, live with the physical pain which is probably the mental pain trying to get out. Decide to take care of yourself, get on with being a god blessed witch and force of nature and fix the things that make you ache so you can quit aching and look yourself in the eye. The animals need you. The world needs your writing. Or you can sit there and decide that the people who make you mad and make you disappointed deserve to watch you choke on your anger. You aren't making any of us as miserable as you make yourself.
I love you. I don't like what you do to yourself. I don't like how you treat yourself. I don't like it when you close you mind to your power, your abilities, and your gift for embracing things like health, education, physical strength to help you rebuild your mind and body. When was the last time you went someplace safe to walk and walked long enough to feel better. I am not going to be a negative mirror for you. You hurt my feelings, too.
Labels: gee watching is fun, isn't it?, public cat fight
Posted at 2:34A by Jaye Ramsey Sutter on THE WRONG MOTHERFUCKING BLOG TO START SHIT WITH THE ANNTICHRIST.
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